Sisyphus Shrugged - top five hints for your midtown christmas experience
Lasciate ogni speranza and put your feet up.
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top five hints for your midtown christmas experience
So it's the holidays, and you've decided voluntarily to spend them in Manhattan for some obscure reason that reason knows not of, and maybe it's started to filter through the misty fogs that surround you that people are kind of looking at you funny.

Naturally this is because we New Yorkers all suck immoderately and just don't have that holiday spirit you brought with you (the elves set up the decorations while we're skipping the Thanksgiving parade). Still, we have our little folkways, and it makes us as close to cheerful as we get, miserable bastards that we are, if you observe them.

It has become clear to me this past week that nobody is providing you guys with the list.

5. We keep to the right when we're walking. It's just like driving, but with feet. This makes it far less likely that someone is going to collide with you when you stop dead in the middle of the flow of traffic to look at the shiny electronic equipment, which, I agree, is much more exciting than the identical electronic equipment in the branch of the same store in your local mall.

4. It's touching, it really is, how much you guys want to be together, and better people than we would just smile and enjoy the sight of you walking four across with your arms linked and taking up the entire sidewalk. Unfortunately, they don't live here.

3. Aw, you finally got to Century 21, and there was a sale on inflatable toolsheds in the basement, and now you have to get them back to your hotel. Amongst the places on public transportation you might want to consider not resting them: the seat next to you, and between the door a carful of people are trying to use to get on and off the train for work-related reasons and that big empty middle part where most of the space is.

2. Look up, and then to your left and right. Can the space you're standing in be described as a portal of some kind? Perhaps there are stairs leading to it, or a turnstile, or some form of delineation between the space you started in and the space you're heading toward? This often serves as a source of inspiration for our visiting brethren from elsewhere. Maybe it's the heady sense of endless possibility. All the same, we'd really, really appreciate it if you could summon up the continence to take a few steps out of the direct portal area before you come to a screeching halt and share your shining epiphany with the group.

and in first place, it's a tie between

1a. I swear to you with all my heart, still in the original wrapping, it's truly not the last elevator out of Saigon.

and

1b. Point B is a fixed point, and the shortest distance to it is not a sine wave.

Happy holidays. Enjoy the tree.
Comments
justjohn From: justjohn Date: December 23rd, 2009 03:02 pm (UTC) (linkie thing)
I've long suggested that mall escalators have laterally-moving conveyor belts at their bottoms, so anybody standing still will be moved out of the way of following people.
az2tx From: az2tx Date: December 23rd, 2009 03:07 pm (UTC) (linkie thing)
HAHAHA! I am sure this was not intended to be funny...but it was :)

I will be sure to take this list with me if I ever get to make it to New York.

Hope you have a better day :)
fledgist From: fledgist Date: December 23rd, 2009 03:51 pm (UTC) (linkie thing)
Somewhere between 3 and 2 you've got to include the statement that nobody ever says "Avenue of the Americas."
jonquil From: jonquil Date: December 23rd, 2009 04:34 pm (UTC) (linkie thing)
The thing that drives me mad about California -- I suspect you'd be pulling out your Saturday Night Special (you're a New Yorker, you have one, I've read about these things) - is that nobody takes responsibility for their personal space. Nobody.

People stand and have conversations in the middle of the choke points of stores and cafeterias, in the precise middle, guaranteeing that you have to say "Excuse me" to get past. People walk in fours side-by-side. People stand in the middle of supermarket aisles looking at the shelf they want. People wear large bags and turn around suddenly. (Actually I've done that. Mea culpa.) ARGGGGH.

And then there are the people who pose and take pictures of their friends in front of famous objects, leaving at least fifteen feet between cameraman and cameravictim, guaranteeing that nobody else can walk past and then glaring at the people who walk through the camera frame. They do this in little tiny spaces like the Japanese Garden in Golden Gate Park, at the height of azalea season.
snuh From: snuh Date: December 23rd, 2009 08:47 pm (UTC) (linkie thing)
Sign me up as a foot solder in the War on Christmas. Despite all that, Merry Xmas & Happy New Year!
lexica510 From: lexica510 Date: December 24th, 2009 05:38 pm (UTC) (linkie thing)
Oh, lord yes. It's the escalators in the BART stations that get me. I find myself muttering, "Walk on the left, stand on the right. Walk on the left, stand on the right. WALK ON THE LEFT, STAND ON THE RIGHT DAMMIT!!!"

*sigh*

Edited at 2009-12-24 05:39 pm (UTC)
ahhhs. -- hmmm?
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