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jmhm
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Bones: In the Shadow of the Gun

"If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there."
—Anton Chekhov

Enter: Booth and Brennan. There's a rifle hanging on the wall.

Brennan: I want a rifle.

Booth: I'm your rifle.

**

Cam: Hello? Target?

**

Booth: For various reasons having to do with our professional obligations, it's super important that there's no rifle hanging on the wall.

Brennan: OK.

**

Angela: Have I mentioned to you recently that there's a rifle on the wall?

Brennan: I don't know what that means.

**

(Booth and Brennan spend two years absent-mindedly fondling the rifle hanging on the wall)

**

Booth's dead friend: Dude, I have come back from beyond the misty veil of death to tell you that there's a rifle hanging on the wall.

Booth: For whatever reason, that doesn't make a big impression on me.

**

Sweets: I've written a scholarly book about the two of you and how much you want to shoot the rifle on the wall. I don't choose to share at this time.

**

Brennan: I've decided I want you to shoot the rifle on the wall. Into a cup. There will be porn.

Booth: I'm OK with that. At least, I think I am. Let me discuss it with the cartoon baby.

Brennan: ZOMG, you have a brain tumor. I am temporarily diverted.

**

Booth: Blam. Blam. Blam. Blam. Blam.

**

Booth: Rifle shooting good.

Sweets: No, no, no. That was coma shooting. This brain scan proves scientifically that you are a major donor to the Brady campaign and you'd rather gnaw off your own arm than shoot a rifle.

Booth: Oh. OK.

**

Gordon Gordon: So, tell me about your book.

Sweets: My book concludes that Booth and Brennan are absolutely desperate to go rifle shooting.

Gordon Gordon: Of course it does.

**

Gordon Gordon: Rifle = Penis. In case you were wondering.

Booth: Not sure how this is relevant.

**

Booth's Grandpa, who is Pa Walton: I'm elderly and adorable, so I'm going to just come right out and say this, really slowly, because you appear to not be terribly bright: There's a RIFLE. On the WALL.

Brennan: I don't know what that means.

**

Cam, Angela, Hodgins, and pretty much everyone else who's ever appeared in a crowd scene since season 1: bang bang, shoot shoot, happiness is a warm gun...

Brennan: I don't know what that means.

**

Booth's brother: I'm marrying my girlfriend, the retired hooker.

Booth: Um. OK.

Brennan: I see... a rifle on the wall.

**

Sweets: As I have decided to marry the only person on this show more neurotic than I am, I think it's time for me to share with you that you two have bonded over your shared passion for firearms. Specifically, the RIFLE. On the WALL. Which you should totally SHOOT. Like, NOW.

Booth: Um, kay.

**

Booth: I have taken many hours of NRA training classes and am totally responsible about gun usage, so as we're bestest friends and have after all practically been performing foreplay on it for the past five years, I think we should fire the rifle on the wall. Since I am a nice Catholic boy, I feel the need to point out that this means that I am totally committed to you, and will kill or die for you and never leave you and you can totally put your trust issues to rest.

Brennan: I don't know how to shoot things.

Booth: You realize this means I'm going to start dating people from other Fox shows?

Brennan: I kinda figured.

**

Douglas Sirk's Bones returns next week at its usual time.


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